In case you somehow haven’t heard, Prince Harry married Meghan Markle earlier this month in a lavish ceremony that had a little something for everyone:

There were old British ladies wearing even older pearls; fiery black preachers causing said old ladies to clutch said old pearls …

In fact, about the only thing missing from the ceremony was Meghan’s father.

Yes, at the last minute, Thomas Markle decided to skip the wedding.

The reasons for his decision are still unclear.

At first, it was reported that Markle had suffered a heart attack, but now it doesn’t appear that that was the case.

Thomas’ health issues may have played a role in his decision to stay home, but it seems his main motivation for refusing to cross the pond had to do with a minor controversy stemming from an arrangement Markle made with some particularly thirsty paparazzi.

Sources say Tom tipped off the paps on where he would be and when in exchange for cash.

We’re still not sure if the allegations are true, and frankly, no one really cares.

But the situation seems to make one thing abundantly clear — the elder Markle is seriously hard up for cash.

So perhaps it’s not surprising that rumors of Thomas hitting Meghan up for a no-interest loan began almost immediately after she and Harry exchanged vows.

Several media outlets are reporting this week that Thomas is in the market for a royal hand-out.

Accounts of how much money he’s asking for and why vary wildly from one publication to the next, but the consensus seems to be that Thomas has very unique ideas about what constitutes a wedding present.

(In his world, the couple gives gifts to the people they invited. It’s very progressive.)

Thomas has mostly kept silent in the weeks since the wedding, but now he’s setting the record straight.

He contacted TMZ today to explain that he has never once asked his daughter for money.

Not even in her days as a Deal or No Deal girl when she literally had briefcases full of cash!

Thomas even went so far as to describe the reports of his destitution as “total bullsh-t.”

We think the Duchess’ dad doth protest too much.

Tom, your daughter just married into arguably the world’s most prominent family —  there’s no shame in hitting her up for some scratch.

In fact, next time you talk to her, ask if we can borrow some money.

We want to hire that preacher to scream about love and hellfire at our next barbecue.