For most people, Jim Bob Duggar is up there with O.J. Simpson on the list of people who are least qualified to dole out relationship advice.
But some folks look at old JBD as a romantic role model.
After all, if your goal is to sire a small army and then make a bunch of weirdly strict rules governing how they’re allowed to use their own genitals, the Duggar patriarch is your man.
Jim Bob and Michelle celebrated another wedding anniversary this week, and they decided to flip the script by giving a gift to fans in the form of preachy marital advice.
So put on your tapered jeans or your floor-length skirt and allow Jim Bob to school you in the ways of romance:
Laying Down the Law
Jim Bob began his latest sermon by listing the seven things that every man needs from his wife. Somehow, “crimped fright-wig hair” didn’t make the list.
A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive
We guess this one is self-explanatory. Unfortunately, Jim Bob never taught his sons the importance of being loyal and supportive, right, Josh Duggar?
A man needs a wife who honors his leadership
As for this one … well, it’s anyone’s guess what the hell this means. All we know is that it sounds super cult-y, and the Duggars love them a good cult mentality.
A man needs a wife who develops inward and outward beauty.
We suppose this one was inevitable. Ladies, Jim Bob wants you to stay hot for your man. And remember, there’s no plastic surgery for inner beauty.
A man needs a wife who will make appeals, not demands.
As in, she appeals to you to stop issuing so many freakin’ demands. Like there aren’t enough rules for the Duggars to follow already.
A man needs a wife who understands his need for time alone with God
“God” is a versatile term here. It can mean the monotheistic deity of the Abrahamic religions, or the stack of Playboys you keep in the shed.